A Powerful Parenting Tool

Our kids.  Our beautiful, dear, sweet children.  Those little bundles of cuteness are our biggest opportunity for growth.  They motivate us in ways we could never have imagined before they arrived.   We want to be and do our best for them.

This beautiful photo by RTP411 at freedigitalphotos.net

Research suggests that our children enjoy greater security and resilience in life when we ourselves have reflected upon and come to terms with our own history.  In essence, the healthier we are as individuals the healthier our relationships will be too and no where is this more influential than in the parent-child relationship.  Makes sense, right?

My all-time favorite parenting book, which expands on this idea and so much more, is Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.

Even with a solid self-understanding, parenting can test every skill set we have.  It is a challenging job and seems complex because parenting is not the only influence on how our kids behave.  Their behaviors are the result of several different ingredients all mixed up together such as their personal temperament,  environmental factors, and relationship dynamics to name a few.

One very simple parenting tool or strategy is reinforcement. Research has shown that positive reinforcement is seven times more likely to change behavior than punishment (Behavior Modification, Kazden, 1994).  The basic idea involves providing a reward of some type in response to a desired behavior happening, which then increases the likelihood that the desired behavior will happen again.   We could also take away an adversive stimuli to increase a desired behavior.  The chart below shows different combinations for reinforcements and punishments.

This stuff can be really powerful in shaping behavior when we give consideration to what is motivating our kids behavior.  Think about the things that are most important to your kids.  Bring to light what they may be either trying to get more of or trying to get away from.  This might be concrete or it might be something in relationships.  Then use these on-purpose to shape their behavior.

Here are some suggestions when using this idea;

Be very conscious or deliberate in your actions.  Identify a specific behavior that you can see like brushing teeth or talking respectfully. Then connect a motivating reward to that behavior, make it very immediate and contingent.  It might be as simple as a "You did it", a quick hug, or a token of some type that can be saved up and put with other tokens to be redeemed later for a reward.
Keep the emotion out of it.  Be as neutral as possible because a response from mom or dad can be reinforcing in itself , especially if oppositional behavior is providing a lot of attention.
 Be consistent.  I cannot stress this enough.  A primary reason reward programs don't work is lack of follow through on the parent's part.  Sorry guys but we have to go military on this and strictly adhere to the program.
Start small.  Focus on one or two behaviors at a time until you learn how to tweek the use of this to suit you and your family.

There are several behavior tracking apps at the App store if you want to check them out.  Search for behavior modification and you will be showered with options.

May you be successful with your efforts.
Love and blessings to you.