Accepting What is

Photo courtesy of zirconicusso at freedigitalphotos.net

I sat next to my dear friend, my hand on her back, as she cried.  She would move between short bursts of words, sobs, and sniffles.  We have all been there, wreaked by some bad news.  My friend had a falling out with her adult daughter.  This came as the result of my friend setting some healthy boundaries with her daughter.  As my friend told her story to me about how she was "making a mess" of things with her choices and apologized to me for "falling apart", I could see the flames grow.  She sat in the middle of it all...the story, the emotions, the isolation.  From that position my friend was unaware of how her reaction was another layer of suffering on the crap sandwich she was served.  The gremlins (negative self talk) had moved in and were having their way.

In that moment, the urge to offer my "insight" was push push pushing against my better judgment.  My friend might have punched me in the throat had I informed her that her reaction to her experience was making matters worse.  I asked my friend what she needed and she used an exasperated tone when she replied, "I don't know".  Oh great, another layer...I don't even know what I need!  I continued listening and felt compassion like a heavy blanket around my shoulders.   I thought my friend's gremlins needed to get the boot but that was her work and not mine.  No doubt these little monsters had been born in her childhood. The result of critical messages from adults that got internalized.

I tried to remind my friend of her goodness and she was gracious in her effort to squeak out a "thanks" but we both knew she wasn't feeling it.

What sort of cruel trick is this?  We can be the hardest on ourselves when we need ourselves the most.

When really, a giant dose of ACCEPTANCE is the suave our soul needs.

Acceptance of ourselves and acceptance of what is or what has happened.

The irony in all of this is...we aren't really built that way.  Our human tendency is not to accept our circumstances.  We will usually end up doing more or less of three types of behaviors;  we fight against what is happening with anger, blame and criticism of others; we avoid or move away from whatever is uncomfortable by sinking into some other activity, which are not always healthy (think over eating, over spending, over use of TV or computer, over use of medications or alcohol, over working); finally, we move toward the situation by being overly compliant or self-effacing, taking on too much responsibility and trying hard to please others (This is what my friend was using.).

What is your favorite strategy?

I move between fighting and overly compliant.

Recognizing what strategy we use is a good start but it really will be a struggle to genuinely move past it unless we can get to what is underneath the surface.  Our strategies protect us.  We use them to escape the pain of a hard situation as much as we can.  We need to start feeling what we feel to get past it, to let it go for good.  When we are in touch with the pain, we are in our own power.  And to be in touch with the pain we  have to accept what the situation is, as unbearable as it might seem.  The reality that a loved one is gone, perhaps that our partner betrayed us, maybe we lost a job, can't pay our bills, had a hard day at work, had a car accident, or our child has mental health problems.

The situations can be big or small and the process is the same for each.

1. Accept what has happened, just the facts, without added drama or emphasis, simply the plain reality.  
2. Accept what you feel, no story (as much as possible), focus on the physical sensations and it will pass.

The situations lose their power when we stop resisting the reality of what is.

It isn't usually a once and done process.  The problem will reemerge like a perennial flower.  The beauty of this flower lies in the power it gives us to move through the pain into a place of greater clarity and problem solving.  If we address how sad we are about the fact that a parent is unavailable due to their alcohol use, then we can actually put our energy into making choices that will take care of our needs rather than putting our energy into trying to fight against what is.  Acceptance empowers us to take action with regards to the challenges we face.

What has been your experience with acceptance?  I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading.  This was a long one:)  May you benefit in some way.