Self Care: Boundaries

Boundaries are the invisible limits we set with others in relationships.  We are setting boundaries when we ask someone to call us if they are going to be late for a get-together, when we tell someone not to eat in our car, or when we stop responding to text messages from someone who was disrespectful.  Our boundaries let other people know what we will or will not accept in relationships.  In this way, we "teach" other people how to treat us.  It seems neat and tidy when we see it in a few sentences and plop a period down at the end.

photo by graur razvan ionut at freedigitalphotos.net

In real life though boundaries can be a tricky topic.  Especially if healthy boundaries were not around when we were children.  If we were never directly or indirectly taught about boundaries, then boundaries can seem elusive, like the thread in our clothing.  They make up the very fabric of our relationships but we don't truly see them.  How often do we stop and look at each thread in the shirt we are wearing?  Never, really, unless there is a fray or rip. Right?  And it's the same for our boundaries.  They usually operate on their own automatically unless something happens that gets our attention.

Boundaries are the basis for satisfying relationships but more importantly boundaries provide self-preservation.

We can lose sight of ourselves (being true to our limits, our values) when we are around other people.  This presents somewhat of a double bind.

On one hand, humans are naturally driven for connection.  It is absolutely a primal need.  It is common for us to operate out of our need for connection, acceptance and belonging.  We want to "be nice".  We want others to like us.  We don't want to be rejected so we put on a happy mask and try to fit in without much regard for our true self.  The list of things we do for others at the expense of ourselves can sometimes get dangerously long.  We get left behind, surrounded by water but dying of thirst.

On the other hand, boundaries are the foundation for the relationship we have with ourselves.   Setting and maintaining fulfilling boundaries creates a solid sense of self.  It is you taking care of you.   Boundaries provide self preservation.

Putting others before ourselves leaves us feeling empty, depleted, unfulfilled.

Setting boundaries that take care of our needs, boundaries that are true to our values and desires, is self-protective.  When we shield ourselves in this way we are building trust in ourselves, we increase our sense of safety, and  security.  We build confidence in ourselves and our ability to meet our own needs.  We accept and respect how we are different from others.  We become more solid individuals and more effective at having deeper more satisfying relationships as a result.

Clear boundaries are essential for us to remain whole, which allows us to secure our place among others.  We need both.  An egg without a shell is a messy sticky blob that is not able to hold it's place in the egg carton and doesn't last as long as it's peers.  

photo by artur84 at freedigitalphotos.net

This happens in the subtle shifts in shades and hues of our daily interactions.  We need to be able to recognize our limits to enforce them.  Once we are clear on what boundaries support or benefit us then the challenge often lies in our ability to communicate our limits with others in a way that is clear, caring, and respectful.  This skill set creates our best chance to have both satisfying relationships AND self preservation.

Below are some friendly suggestions for taking your boundary game to the next level.

Boundaries in relationships:

• Ask yourself, "What am I responsible for in this situation?"  Own it.  Put on your own air mask first, before assisting others.
• Say no.  Practice this.  Get good at it.  Decline doing tasks as a way to take care of yourself.
• Identify activities that drain your energy and stop doing them as much as possible.
• Ask for help.
• Allow others to feel their pain.  Don't take it on.  It doesn't help them.  Let it be okay.  Resist the urge to rescue them.  Empathize with them but the emotion is theirs to work through.

Boundaries for yourself:

• Set schedules or routines.  They support us in taking care of ourselves.  Roughly schedule breaks, protected time, regular activities like house cleaning or grocery shopping, as well as priorities like meals, sleep, and exercise.
• Regularly set aside time for activities that you find fulfilling, pleasant, enjoyable, relaxing...you get the idea.
• Try under-scheduling yourself.
• Turn off the dings, blips, and ringers on your electronic devices.  Respond on your terms not someone else's.

There is a lot going on behind the scenes when it comes to boundaries.  When we change boundaries we are changing how we relate...either to some aspect of ourselves or to others.  This is huge.  So above all let's be accepting and patient with each step we take on our path.

May this writing benefit you in some way.

Love and blessings.